Ancient Jokes

So many of these are off-color, so I hesitate to post them, but my amusement at ancient humour won out. Why, you ask? Well, because many of these jokes could be told today with very little change. In fact, I had to laugh when I read some of these because I have, indeed, heard modern versions of them. It’s amazing to think that we laugh at the same jokes as people who lived thousands of years ago. However, most of the jokes told by ancient people are simply incomprehensible to us, just as the jokes from other modern cultures is often baffling. Even close to home, I find that the jokes of French Canadians is sometimes baffling to English Canadians. Pierre and his father tell jokes and I’m just as confused after the translation. I can’t even begin to understand most of the Middle Eastern jokes that I find online. However, farting, sex, bad marriages, ugly wives, and dimwits have always been funny.

Well, this one is safe: A witty scholar, having no money, sold his books. He then wrote his father to say “Congratulate me. I am already making a living from my education.”

When a scholar had a child by a slave-girl, his father advised him to kill it. He wrote back, saying “First, bury your own children and then tell me how to dispose of my own.” Obviously, people have laughed at the foolish scholar or foolish professor for thousands of years. Those who think they are educated and intelligent are often lacking in common sense, and there seems to have always been ridicule for those who are overly educated. The interesting thing about this joke, which loses something in translation, is that a father in ancient time had the right to decide whether his children lived or died. The mother, especially a slave woman, had no say in the matter. That is an idea which I explore in my novel.

On a long business trip, a man visited a fortune-teller to inquire about his family. The fortune-teller said to him, “Your family is doing well, especially your father.” The man exclaimed, “But my father has been dead ten years!” “Oh, no, I meant your real father.” In another version, the man asks about his family and is told “Your two children are doing well.” The man exclaims that he has three children, and the fortune-teller says, “Oh, that’s what you think.” Obviously, jokes about cuckolded men have been considered funny for a very long time – whether it’s a case of the man not knowing who his real father is or not knowing that one of the children in his home is not really his. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Now, I’ll warn you that this next one has a bit of ewww-factor. I’m warning you.

A man was arrested for having sex with his grandmother. As he’s being hauled before the counsel, he yells at his father, “But you’ve been sleeping with my mother for years! Why the fuss when I sleep with yours?” Obviously, this was considered a heinous crime, just as it would be today. However, it’s hard to fault the man’s logic!

The modern version of this, which would still work in ancient setting, is: A man at a bar turned to the man next to him and yells, “I had sex with your mother!” Everyone in the bar goes silent, waiting to see what will happen. When he gets no response, he yells again, “I had sex with your mother, and I’m going to do it again!” Finally, the other man says, “Dad, go home. You’re drunk.”

Did you hear about the eunuch who wanted to start a business, but he just didn’t have the balls for it? While we no longer have eunuchs in the same way that the ancients did, we have the same concept of a man’s testicles holding his masculinity.

A dimwit was trying to sell some honey. People came and tasted it and said that it was very good. He replied, “Yes. If a mouse hadn’t fallen into it, I would have kept it for myself.”

A man was very sick, and his wife said, “If anything happens to you, I’ll kill myself.” He replied, “Don’t be so selfish! Do it while I’m still alive to enjoy it.” There is nothing modern about unhappy marriages.

Here is, apparently, the oldest recorded joke: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of women clad only in fishing nets down the Nile and then urge the pharaoh to catch a fish. This dates from 1600 BCE in Egypt.

A man complained to a slave-trader that the slave he had just bought had died. “By the gods,” the slave-trader replied, “when he was with me he never did such a thing!” Monty Python had a similar joke about a dead parrot.

During an argument, one man says to another, “I had sex with your wife!” The other man stares at him in shock and replies, “I’m married to her, so I have to. Who forced you to do such a thing?” I heard this one long before I knew how ancient it was. The version of this that I first read said, “I have sex with your wife and it cost me nothing.” Does this mean to imply that it would have been acceptable had he paid the husband?

A man who had been trying for years, without success, to have a child, was congratulated on the birth of a son. “Yes, thanks to all of my friends!” he replied.

This one is cute, and some people state that it’s older than the bored pharaoh joke, but it’s not nearly as funny as some people act: One thing that has never existed since time began: a young woman who did not fart in her husband’s lap. Pierre says it makes more sense if you say “in her husband’s presence.” If you don’t get why it’s funny, don’t worry. I don’t think most of us would. The best explanation I can find is that the first part of the joke sets it up as something serious and profound, while the second part points out that women are funny and gross and just like men, can’t control their farts. (Pierre says, “Yes! You do! Women don’t fart as much as men do!” He’s funny sometimes.)

A man saw a eunuch talking to a woman and asked if she was his wife. He said, “I’m a eunuch. We can’t get married.” The man replied, “Oh, is she your daughter?” I get the impression that eunuchs were fairly common, judging by the many jokes about them.

An astrologer cast a man’s horoscope and said, “You are unable to father children!” The man replied, “But I have seven children!” The astrologer said, “Look after them well.” The suggestion is that, if one of the children were to die, the man would not be able to have any more.

A young man said to his wife, “Shall we eat or make love?” His wife replied, “You may choose as you like, but there is not a crumb in the house!” Clearly, the ancients did not believe that women were always the passive partner!

A woman desired her attractive but dim-witted slave. When she found out that both of his heads were thick, she put on a mask and danced before him. They lay together. Later, the slave said to his master, “Master, I lay with the dancer and the mistress was inside!” The play on words, then as now, was on the word “inside”, which could have meant “She was inside the house and I might have been caught!” or “She was inside the dancer”. And, well, the dirty part needs no explanation. I used a euphemism which is not part of the original.

A king was touring the city and noticed a man who bore a striking resemblance to himself. He stopped the man and said, “Excuse me, but was your mother ever in service at the palace?” “No,” the man replied, “but my father was.” The idea of the king being cuckolded and a “normal man” being his heir, has obviously been funny for a long time.

One of a set of twin dies. The survivor is asked, “Which one died, you or your brother?” A related insult, which I’ll guess has been around forever is: “Did your mother have any children who lived?”

A man asks his friend to buy him a couple of fifteen-year-old slaves. When the friend returns, he says, “I couldn’t find any fifteen year old slaves, so I bought you one thirty year old.”

A lot of jokes which we tell today are probably very ancient. Canada has “dumb Newfie” jokes, ancient Sumeria had “dumb Hittite” jokes, and very little actually changes.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this peek into the mind of the ancients.